Spring Clean Your Sex Life: your guide to a relationship reset
Want to know how you can refresh your relationship? We chatted to Certified Sex Coach Georgia Grace, or you might know her as@gspot._, to chat all things relationship resets. Here's what she had to say:
As we crawl out from under our duvets and start to peel off the layers of trackies and hoodies - many of us are ready to spring clean our homes. Tis the season to hit refresh after a long period of hibernation. With the warmer days we start to notice changes in our desire, a healthy dose of vitamin d and a boost in those feel good neurochemicals, it’s the ideal time to capitalise on this new zest for life and check in with our sex lives. Buuut, if like many, you’ve noticed your mojo has taken a hit, it may be the ideal time for a relationship reset.
Here’s a step by step guide to spring clean your sex life
Solo inquiry: Before bringing it up with your partner, reflect on why you want to work on your sex life. When I ask my clients what a fulfilling sex life means to them, I hear a few recurring themes: sex helps them feel connected, it’s a stress releief, it makes them feel good, it differentiates their romantic relationship from their platonic relationships, its fun, to orgasm…Need I say more? Take a moment to reflect on what good sex means for you and your relationship so that you can more easily share this with your partner.
Pulse check: as clunky as it may feel - you’ll need to talk about it. Many of my clients identify that talking about sex feels tricky and a little awkward at the start - but if you want something to change, you’ve got to talk about it! Consider this step the pulse check - sit down in a context that allows you to both be present, and ask each other the following questions: what does a fulfilling sex life look like for you? What do you currently love about our sex life? What can we improve on? What could we do to make this even better?
- Pro tip: try speaking from the perspective of ‘I’ and instead of playing the blame game. It’ll be important to try to understand each other's perspective. At the end of the day, most people just want to feel seen, heard and understood.
Set out an action plan: a new, reinvigorated sex life can feel exciting, and talking about it is a great frist step - but true change comes from ‘doing’. Start by mapping out an action plan on how you’ll actually go about this. Get clear on what you both need in order to create the context for desire. Share with each other what turns you on (your accelerators), what turns you off (your brakes) and how you might be able to manage some of the brakes and bring in some of the accelerators. It can also be fun - and hot - to create a ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘maybe’ list of things they want to try in (or out of) the bedroom.
Novelty is key: A key element for an exciting sex life is novellty. In fact, when I ask my clients about their most exciting and memorable experiences they will often mention moments that had an element of newness. A new position, place, environment – the energy of something new can transform and enliven a sexual experience (Jack Morin speaks to this in his book ‘The Erotic Mind’). Research has shown long-term couples who report the most intense feelings are those who engage in the most new and exciting activities together (O’Leary et al., 2012). Inviting an element of novelty and newness into the long-term, trying something new and switching the routine can help couples reset.
Embrace the awkwardness: If it’s been a minute since you’ve been between the sheets, it may feel a little awkward at first. In session we call this your ‘learning edge’, and as clunky as it may feel, this edge is an important space to lean into. So often I’ll hear that couples ‘tap out’ the moment it gets awkward. They think sex should always be steamy, passionate and hot. But sometimes sex is a lil weird and awkward. Take the pressure off, you don’t need to be professional sex gods, instead focus on the plafyulness, fun and pleasure that is present.
Daily moments of pleasure: Start to engage in regular moments of pleasure and sensual intimacy - these don’t necessarily need to lead to ‘sex’ but it’ll be useful to bring sex front of mind more often. This could be a 30 second kiss with tongue before you leave for work, telling your partner they look really good in those pants *wink*, jumping in the shower together and taking turns to wash each other, looking into their eyes, making out on the couch on the ad breaks, start to prioritise moments of pleasure and intimacy in your daily routine.
Love what you see? Check out Georgia's 'Why Sex is Important for Sleep' blog at Oz Hair and Beauty 💕